12.16.09

Yesterday I got off the MV Explorer and I don’t even know what I am feeling. I am so glad to be back with Mom, but I also have the realization that this experience is over. I am absolutely terrified to go home. I know that I am not going to fit in and my friends don’t really care about what I did. They will ask how was the trip and what my favorite country was, but once i launch into a story their eyes will glaze over. I know this, but I still don’t know what I am going to do. Everything is different. I could never go back to who I was. I now realize just how small the world is. Before, flying to New York or Colorado would have seemed like a daunting task and that that is really far away. Now I am thinking about going those places just for a long weekend. They seem like they are next door. I have no problem traveling alone or planning things for myself.

Today Mom and I were walking around the Gas Lamp District in San Diego and I was really uncomfortable. No one was grabbing me and trying to get me to buy their goods, I couldn’t bargain the price down and everything was neatly arranged. The only place I felt remotely comfortable was the world market where everything was thrown into together and I saw things from South Africa, Morocco, and Japan. What the hell am I going to do when I get back into Bowling Green?

Mom and I were talking the other night and I realized that I am 22 years old and I have been to 22 different countries (Austria, Bermuda, Belize, Cambodia, Canada, Cayman Islands, China, Czech Republic, Ghana, Hong Kong, Hungary, India, Japan, Mauritius, Mexico, Morocco, Poland, Slovakia, South Africa, Spain, Vietnam, and the USA). That is a pretty amazing thing, but it also reminds me that everywhere is just a plane ride away and it is just getting the courage up to plan it. I realize that I am never going to stop moving. I am in San Diego and I feel like it is just another port and it is parents weekend. We are going to Disneyland tomorrow and then the San Diego Zoo the next day and then home. Then Bowling Green. Everywhere I travel from here on out will just be another port. I will expect to get a green sheet from Karen and try to remember to be back by Byron Time. Terrence made a great point tonight (Bridget’s parents rented out the lounge at the Sheraton and there were about 15 SASers there). China is a big country and we managed to always run into each other there. If we can run into each other in China, we can run into each other in the US. We all know how small the world is and we all can get back to each other. I don’t want to leave these people. They have become my family and they actually understand what I have been through. They understand the cultural barriers and language barriers, green sheets, Byron time, Taco Day, “Don’t be stupid – be cute. Do it in the aft”, Sparkles, Chez Ali, Thriller, Chiner and about 8 billion other things.

I don’t want to go home. I should want to go home, but I don’t. I don’t fit in there. I know it sounds like I am whining, but I don’t know what else to do. It is going to be so weird to be able to eat when I want to eat, DRIVE A CAR, have animals around, not have projects due between countries.

How do I tell my story without sounding like an ass? I don’t. Even if I try to offer input I will always sound like I bragging. I am taking international marketing and international entrepreneurship next semester. I am going to be the annoying girl who the students loathe and the teacher hates. I just realize that I can never tell people about the trip. There are no words. How do I explain the children in Ghana, the hunger in the townships in South Africa, the dirtiness of India, the claustrophobia of Japan? Simple – I can’t. All I can do is cling to the people who have had this experience with me and push people to do it in the future.

I realize how much I have changed on this trip. There are things I will simply not put up with anymore. I don’t mind standing up to people. My bargaining skills have improved drastically. I don’t mind planning things or traveling by myself. My sense of direction has improved. I know who I am. I know what I want out of life. “Make a life – don’t make a living.” I need a lot less than I thought. Give me a camera, a toothbrush, a pair of jeans, and two t-shirts and I can survive for 5 days. I have found out who my friends are and they are not the people I would have thought they would be. I realize that I don’t have to stress out about the small things and that in the end everything will come together, and even if it doesn’t it will all still be ok. I realized that I need my family. I can survive on pasta and potatoes for 4 months.

What the hell am I going to do in Lebanon?